I still haven’t figured out how to use this space to talk about the really interesting stuff. The people stuff.
Here’s an example of my dilemma. I have learned a lot about myself in these last five and a half years since my divorce. I remember listening to a friend describe to me how the rebound after the divorce could be fun with some initial playful romantic encounters. I think of myself, generally, as being on the adventurous side of the spectrum, but holy hell, the very idea of having to navigate that long-ago-left-behind territory of meeting new people, of dating for gods sake… I remember sitting in my friend’s office, holding my head in my hands as I tried to imagine it. It was terrifying.
But as it turned out, after that slightly nerve wracking first first date was behind me, I very quickly adjusted. I really enjoyed getting to meet new people. I took each new person that I met for coffee or for a walk or whatever just as they were. Legitimately no expectation, just an opportunity to connect with new and interesting people. I quickly learned that the benefit of dating at this age is that by now, people had some fascinating life experiences to share. Some I clicked with; some I did not. Either way, it was totally ok.
I wrote a few days ago about how I mostly choose not to force things any more, but also about how maybe that’s not a totally great thing in all situations. This is particularly true when it comes to relationships. I came to understand that, coming out of 15 year marriage, I was so exhausted from the effort of trying to make it work that I just didn’t have it in me to be in a relationship that required much more than the most minimal amount of effort. Which is all fine and good if that’s mutual, but in “normal” (ha!) grown up relationships, it’s not unreasonable to expect that both people go into things with the understanding that they’re both willing to do some work, right?
So initially I think I was a little more cavalier in my relationships with others. Affectionate and appreciative. Supportive too. But a little unintentionally callous at the same time. And that’s not a particularly kind way to be with others you care about.
All of this is a long build up to saying that I’ve met some lovely people along the way and have learned a little something new with each relationship. My thinking has evolved quite a bit as I have started to observe some common themes – spoiler alert, these themes all have to do with unnecessarily restrictive and unrealistic constraints or expectations that we put on our selves when it comes to our relationships. (Almost every single divorced man I’ve met has described extended periods of profound loneliness towards the end of their marriage. Many seem apologetic, or sheepish, or maybe a little ashamed to admit it…)
And I’d love to be able to write a little bit about these adventures, the people I’ve met, the things I’ve observed, the things I’ve learned. Not in any kind of salacious way. But still. Writing about that does seem quite personal, no? And I haven’t figured out how to write about those things in this kind of quasi-public space in a way that’s respectful.
It doesn’t help that I’m still quite friendly with most of the people I’ve met these last few years, and there’s the chance that one of them might some day stumble upon this corner of the internet and find themselves reading about themselves. It’s not enough simply to change Frank to a Joseph, is it?
eleven bee 