you can’t say that

i got a call from HR the other day after what had felt like a pretty uneventful team meeting. HR wanted to talk to me about “the incident” from that morning.

it turns out, in suggesting that we schedule a separate quick meeting about another topic that had come up, i used the word “powwow.” i paused and waited for HR to explain. she broke the silence: “you can’t say that.”

i quickly processed what she was telling me, hitting on each of the five stages of grief and change management – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. it felt to me initially like a small thing to get upset about, but then i remembered it really wasn’t my place to tell a person what they should or should not be offended by.

i had the same initial reaction to the news that we had changed the standard email signature line to include gender pronoun preferences. i don’t care what you call me, honestly. him, her, it. whatever… but then i worked my way through this one too. if this small gesture – and setting an automated email signature really takes zero effort after the original setup – sends a message to anyone else out there that there’s a space for more acceptance that includes them, then maybe that’s okay. it’s one thing to point to a finger outward to question why others are so danged sensitive. but isn’t there also a possible criticism to be made of the person whose protests over small gestures of acceptance seem conspicuously out of proportion to the effort it would take to just do it? really, how is this any skin off my nose?

on the other hand, i have been talking a lot lately about the importance of prioritizing. none of us has enough time, resources, whatever, to do everything we want to do. the issues around race and social justice are huge and it just feels more important than ever that things change. that we change things. so it’s with all this in mind that the conflicted contrarian in me (note to self: that could totally be the name of my memoir) thinks it matters that we choose which battles we want to fight.

the fact that we’re trying again (still) to have these paradigm shifting conversations around vital social justice issues at the same time that current culture has enabled status building through gotcha moments just seems like a cruel prank on the part of the universe. or karma. or whatever.

i believe with all my heart that we have to move beyond what is likely to be an infinite list of potential ways that one can feel wronged, so that we can have the bigger conversations. but as we continue to move toward those moments, i’ve decided that i’ll continue to make the small gestures. when someone takes the time to communicate to me that they’re affected negatively by my words or my actions, i’ll pause and make sure to listen. when someone asks for a small act of kindness or grace, and it’s within my abilities to accommodate, i will.

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