the L forum was a trip. yes, the cult-y vibe runs strong with this tribe, but still, there’s some good stuff there. stuff that could be distilled into one well worded TED talk or essay, but people learn in different ways, and many of us are at different points in our journey, so maybe three 15-hour days is what it takes for some people.
there’s a rumor out there that Chuck Palahniuk based some of the early scenes of Fight Club on the group therapy part of his experience with L. i totally buy it, having just recently rewatched Fight Club. (side note, is it just me or does that whole macho boys club thing seem almost like it’s foreshadowing of the odd/lame brotherhood of the proud boys?)
i’ve done my time in alanon and have been witness to hundreds of intense shares, many of which offer glimpses into some pretty harrowing life stories. but L was maybe even a cut above that. maybe that’s because of the scale of it. fifteen hours a day, three days in a row, it kind of breaks you down a little (or a lot). and you quickly get to know the people around on a more intimate, personal level.
anyway, on top of being cult-y, it’s also a little expensive. so unless you need that full three day experience (oh and there’s the fourth evening when you come back for the closing, but really is just an excuse to drag your friends into the grips of L), i’m going to share the main take-aways from the first level training.
1. you may not get to choose what happens to you, but you do get to choose the value you assign to those things, and the story that you craft to explain those things. the prime example of this is the response the facilitator provided to the man who described all the horrible things his mother did to him growing up. the man said, “obviously she didn’t love me. and that sucks.” and the facilitator pushed back a little. “that’s one explanation, yes. but it’s possible that she did love you, but wasn’t great at being a mom. wasn’t great at showing you. it’s possible that she loved you but was damaged herself and even though the end result wasn’t a great experience for you, maybe she was doing the best she could at the time.”
this resonated with me then, and does still today. it’s easier to see how this plays out when it’s someone projecting their interpretation of your actions, and your motivations behind your actions onto you. “well obviously you think XYZ, if you would do that.” and in your head you’re like, i mean, it may be obvious to you, but i can tell you as the person who actually did the thing i had zero of that intent.
2. you also get to choose what’s possible. this might be a version of the jonathan livingston seagull thing: argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours. so the young woman who was angry about losing her vision, she absolutely could choose to be mad, and stay mad for as long as she likes. jesus i can’t believe i’m going to reference even more pop-psychology here, but as dr. phil would say, “how’s that working for you?”
i’m shocked by how strongly people will argue for their right to feel wronged. i haven’t figured out an effective way to push back on this without coming across like an insensitive boob. the amount of energy spent on justifying victimhood… imagine, collectively what it would look like if we directed that on doing the things that we want to do. (“be the change!” indeed.)
(there’s a separate post in here about how my mom’s success is tied very much to her lack of awareness of her relatively unlucky lot in life. instead, she just plowed ahead. did the thing. accomplished the accomplishments.)
actually it reminds me a little bit about those comedic bits in rom coms when someone breaks up with someone else, and the one who is being broken up with refuses to acknowledge the break up. or the rejection of the rejection letter that’s in the back of that Interviewing for Dummies book i got back when i was fresh out of grad school. “due to the high volume of qualified rejection letters, i am unable to accept your rejection and will be showing up to work for my new job on monday.”
of course, there should probably be healthier examples of this dyanmic, but you get the gist.
i think that might be it. i usually like lists of three, but i think that maybe just those two points cover like 90% of the core teachings of L.
it’s good stuff. but i just can’t with the high pressure “why wouldn’t you share this with the ones you love if you actually love them” sales job.
eleven bee 