I’d almost be embarrassed about the very basic epiphany I had yesterday about how having a sense of security shapes everything … if I weren’t so grateful that I got here eventually.
It feels like a I stumbled across a missing puzzle piece that I didn’t even know I was missing. A key that opens a lot of doors I didn’t quite understand were locked.
I have a suspicion that if I were to pick up even the most elementary psychology textbook I could have learned about what a difference it makes to have a foundation of confidence that things will work out. So basically what I’m trying to say is this isn’t rocket science.
I’ve been so critical, for example, of my mother’s desire to account for all the possible ways a thing could go wrong – did you lock the door? Did you double check? – but I think I can understand those tendencies more/better (more better?) when I consider the giant Grand Canyon sized hole of uncertainty that shaped her formative childhood years. It seems so unnecessary from my perspective but from hers…? Totally makes sense.
I have a friend who I adore but who has this kind of shitty tendency to use people. She’s super generous too and very equity minded, super socially conscious but always scheming. I could never quite understand that part of her until I considered her tumultuous upbringing. Like really tumultuous. Free spirited, will make for a great memoir some day but I know 100% that it left her feeling unsure about her basic needs.
And here I am with my oh-so-evolved que será será bullshit. I mean. I don’t actually think it’s bullshit but I absolutely think it’s privileged. This, I think, is my new definition of privilege.
I’m not quite done with this yet, but wanted to capture these notes here before I forgot…
eleven bee 