i moved to Denver, CO from Oakland, CA back in 2006. It will be 15 years in a month or two. The boys were almost one and almost three, so this really is their home.
i still get wistful about a few things California had to offer:
some great friends
some great food
culture! diversity!
the ocean
but at the same time i have really grown quite fond of Colorado:
new great friends
the food is getting better!
a dynamic, accessible cultural scene
the mountains; so easy to be outside and be active
interesting weather
relatively affordable (doesn’t seem like it when this is all you know, but honestly, relative to bay area ridiculousness, it’s for real)
the last two days were just so colorado. literally a blizzard warning on sunday that dropped more than 20 inches in denver to blue skies and sun shiny weather that brings all the neighbors out to shovel.
there was definitely a lot of hype leading up to the snow storm this weekend. but (so far?) it appears to be much ado about relatively little.
i’m not mad that the snowpocolypse did not materialize. there was enough snow to justify hunkering down inside by the fire for most of the day, rewatching movies we’ve all seen before, and whipping up good food in the kitchen.
maybe the life lesson here is that we shouldn’t need to wait for excuses to recharge. snow storm or no, today was good for the soul.
the L forum was a trip. yes, the cult-y vibe runs strong with this tribe, but still, there’s some good stuff there. stuff that could be distilled into one well worded TED talk or essay, but people learn in different ways, and many of us are at different points in our journey, so maybe three 15-hour days is what it takes for some people.
the first rule about L forum…
there’s a rumor out there that Chuck Palahniuk based some of the early scenes of Fight Club on the group therapy part of his experience with L. i totally buy it, having just recently rewatched Fight Club. (side note, is it just me or does that whole macho boys club thing seem almost like it’s foreshadowing of the odd/lame brotherhood of the proud boys?)
i’ve done my time in alanon and have been witness to hundreds of intense shares, many of which offer glimpses into some pretty harrowing life stories. but L was maybe even a cut above that. maybe that’s because of the scale of it. fifteen hours a day, three days in a row, it kind of breaks you down a little (or a lot). and you quickly get to know the people around on a more intimate, personal level.
anyway, on top of being cult-y, it’s also a little expensive. so unless you need that full three day experience (oh and there’s the fourth evening when you come back for the closing, but really is just an excuse to drag your friends into the grips of L), i’m going to share the main take-aways from the first level training.
1. you may not get to choose what happens to you, but you do get to choose the value you assign to those things, and the story that you craft to explain those things. the prime example of this is the response the facilitator provided to the man who described all the horrible things his mother did to him growing up. the man said, “obviously she didn’t love me. and that sucks.” and the facilitator pushed back a little. “that’s one explanation, yes. but it’s possible that she did love you, but wasn’t great at being a mom. wasn’t great at showing you. it’s possible that she loved you but was damaged herself and even though the end result wasn’t a great experience for you, maybe she was doing the best she could at the time.”
this resonated with me then, and does still today. it’s easier to see how this plays out when it’s someone projecting their interpretation of your actions, and your motivations behind your actions onto you. “well obviously you think XYZ, if you would do that.” and in your head you’re like, i mean, it may be obvious to you, but i can tell you as the person who actually did the thing i had zero of that intent.
2. you also get to choose what’s possible. this might be a version of the jonathan livingston seagull thing: argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours. so the young woman who was angry about losing her vision, she absolutely could choose to be mad, and stay mad for as long as she likes. jesus i can’t believe i’m going to reference even more pop-psychology here, but as dr. phil would say, “how’s that working for you?”
i’m shocked by how strongly people will argue for their right to feel wronged. i haven’t figured out an effective way to push back on this without coming across like an insensitive boob. the amount of energy spent on justifying victimhood… imagine, collectively what it would look like if we directed that on doing the things that we want to do. (“be the change!” indeed.)
(there’s a separate post in here about how my mom’s success is tied very much to her lack of awareness of her relatively unlucky lot in life. instead, she just plowed ahead. did the thing. accomplished the accomplishments.)
actually it reminds me a little bit about those comedic bits in rom coms when someone breaks up with someone else, and the one who is being broken up with refuses to acknowledge the break up. or the rejection of the rejection letter that’s in the back of that Interviewing for Dummies book i got back when i was fresh out of grad school. “due to the high volume of qualified rejection letters, i am unable to accept your rejection and will be showing up to work for my new job on monday.”
of course, there should probably be healthier examples of this dyanmic, but you get the gist.
i think that might be it. i usually like lists of three, but i think that maybe just those two points cover like 90% of the core teachings of L.
it’s good stuff. but i just can’t with the high pressure “why wouldn’t you share this with the ones you love if you actually love them” sales job.
You know how people who are deathly afraid of spiders sometimes joke that when they come across a freaky spider in the corner of their bedroom the only reasonable thing to do is to burn the house down, move, and restart anew somewhere else?
Not with spiders but definitely with things like paper files and technology. Last week at work I looked around and saw the banker boxes full of files from my predecessor (in addition to the file cabinets themselves), and then glanced back at my computer with its cluttered desktop and the stacks of paper around my workspace and for a second I was like: welp. time to find a new job and move on i guess.
But something amazing happened. I decided to declutter. And it felt great. It was an eye opening moment. Next month, I will have been at my current job for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS. That’s a really long time for me. But honestly in those seven years I haven’t referred to one of those inherited files even once. And nothing bad has happened. So… out with the old.
A few years back I was talking to B, then the Exec Director above me, about my professional development goals. He asked me if there was something holding me back that I would like to tackle. I quickly identified my lack of organizational skills. It causes so much unnecessary angst. And on top of that, it makes me a little (or a lot) less efficient than I could be. As I get older, it feels like my mental muscles seems to be atrophying slightly. And at the same time the amount of things I’m somehow expected to remember/keep track of grows. All of this points to the idea that being better organized would be a really valuable thing right about now.
In response to my proposed “development goal,” B suggested that I sign myself up with the Landmark Academy. Have you heard of it? I hadn’t. But I also trusted (and still do) B 100% so if he suggested Landmark, then Landmark it was.
It was a three day seminar of sorts. On the registration forms, I recall seeing some kind of alarming disclaimers about people with pre-existing mental health conditions occasionally having an adverse reaction to the seminars, but I glossed over those. I went in expecting a course in advanced post it note techniques or the latest technology in file management and instead stumbled into a three-day extreme endurance personal growth/self help, kind of a mash up between a Dr. Phil marathon, a zen buddhist retreat, and an ironman. It was a trip.
Just before I went in to the meeting space in a remarkably nondescript strip mall in the suburbs of Denver, B sent me a text. you won’t like all of it. but take what works for you and don’t worry about the rest. (which, p.s. is exactly what they say in the intro to alanon for all new visitors. it’s really good advice.)
yesterday i finally got a tooth implant. it literally took a year from when the OG tooth was yanked from my mouth. i mean … that’s one good thing about having to wear a mask for the last year. barely anyone noticed the missing tooth in my head.
anyway. the dentist explained to me at one point along the way that this implant would outlive me. and immediately i wondered if he knew something i didn’t. i’ve played this party game before and no, i wouldn’t want to know the exact time and date of my death, even if i could. no thank you.
but clairvoyant dentist predictions aside, it is true that i’m getting older. not only did i get a new toof yesterday but I squeezed in a visit to the eye doctor as well. (i know. my life is so rock and roll.) and the magic doctor upped my Rx so now i can TOTALLY see at night again. the downside is i can’t actually read the words that i’m tapping out here on my tiny iPhone by the fire.
i’m not trying to be dramatic. i don’t think my best days are behind me. but i also recognize that I’m probably rounding the bend here in this giant race track of life.
i have an innate distrust of online memes espousing life wisdom using comic sans sarif fonts. is that wrong?
it is because of this distrust that i am choosing to transcribe these reported five regrets of dying people here, instead of inserting a pre-formatted meme of some sort dragged from google images.
(and, full disclosure, this is something that i read about just today on postsecrets. so not super original.)
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
but for number one on that list – which i maintain is not a forever thing and is the right thing for now – i think i’ve got a fairly decent handle on the rest. i think.
it’s possible – nay, probable – that i’m difficult to live with.
if i had to choose, i’d say i’m probably oscar
i’m not 100% sure of the exact dates, but i think i’m approaching the 5 year anniversary of my separation. (i remember D day – July 16 because it happened to fall just two days before my youngest son’s birthday. i remember being aware of the unfortunate closeness of that date, but also still very strongly wanting to move forward with wrapping things up as quickly as possible.)
i had given my then-husband of nearly 15 years a choice to make, not so much an ultimatum, but a choice. and after mulling it over for a few weeks, he let me know (on Valentines Day, no less) that he had decided to “set me free.” (i swear i think he may have used those exact words.) it was amicable, as far as these things go, and we both sat down to break the news to the kids together. and then i set to planning about how to start what i quickly began referring to as “the unzippering” of our shared marital life.
it took me a minute or two to find a place for me to move into. i lucked into a great rental house with a sympathetic single mom for a landlord (“we have to look out for each other,” i remember her saying), and then began slowly moving my stuff in to create a new nest of my own until i had created what legit felt like a sanctuary. the vibe was so good. the lighting so welcoming. the sense of calm, peace. it was fucking amazing.
and i’ve been living on my own ever since. and i kind of love it. so much so that it’s been difficult wanting to change that for anyone. really this current living situation that i now find myself in – living in a multigenerational house with my 80 year old mother and two teenaged boys – is not what i would have picked for myself were it not for the sense of family loyalty that is, apparently, just embedded into who i am.
when you move in with others – family or no – there’s a steady, never-ending flow of tiny negotiations. and i’m starting to recognize a little bit of stubbornness in myself that, when mixed with a dash of entitlement and a sprinkle of righteousness (which i have to acknowledge is really quite an unappealing combination) makes me a pretty obstinate roommate. of course my way is the right way. that’s why it’s my way. duh.
here’s an example. the other day i found myself in a debate about the essence of kitchen towels. my mother asked me not to use the cloth kitchen towels to wipe down the counters because they could get stained. but kitchen towels, i argued, exist solely to get dirty. to reach past the cloth towel to grab a disposable paper towel for such purpose, would be an insult to the cloth towel. (a friend compared this debate to another lively discussion about using the fancy bathroom soap to, you know, actually wash your hands.)
the lovely thing about living on your own is almost never having to expend the energy to broker agreements on these types of mundane household minutia.
i’m pretty sure march (and april) are supposed to be the two snowiest months in Denver. you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at this weekend. it was gorgeous.
went on two unplanned longer walks with friends this weekend, both which were very much needed both in terms of catching up with people i don’t get see very often, but also in terms of just moving.
maybe it was all the sun i got this weekend, or just the fact that i’m coming back out of a pretty remarkably sedentary last few months, but i’m ti-red. luckily it’s “yep i feel like i’m alive” tired. not the “lord help me i can’t handle all” this tired.
“You cannot have perfection and company. To be in love with a person is to be negotiating imperfection every day.”
Alain De Botton
A friend sent me that YouTube link the other day. I watched it and thought it was interesting. Lots of little nuggets to think about. (Here’s a link to the original NYT Opinion piece that prompted this video.)
This talk reinforces the idea of assuming good intentions. This is for real something I live every day. Not just because it’s an act of generosity to the person who’s acting and speaking in a certain way. Mostly I apply this rule because it allows me to feel a greater sense of peace in the world.
The speaker in this video associates this act of grace with love. True love means always looking for the good intentions. He’s speaking, I think, about romantic love, the relationships that we choose to be in.
I apply this rule broadly, really to everyone I meet. I kind of like the idea that this means that I lead with love in my every day life.
it took me a minute when i was in college to figure out what interested me, in terms of a possible career paths. i think i started out with a vague idea of wanting to study communication to go into advertising maybe? i stumbled into an alternative energy class at one point and that sparked enough of an interest to prompt me to look into switching majors to something in the environmental studies genre. and when i finally settled on that, the university i was attending at the time required that students pick an emphasis of either bioscience or policy and planning. a professor i consulted suggested that bioscience was mechanics; planning and policy was where innovation happened. so that’s how i ended up with a BA in environmental studies with an emphasis in policy and planning.
and while navigating through that course work, i happened upon the hippiest possible environmental studies / city planning class where the talk was all about city planning and the human experience. this appealed to me on a number of different levels and then just as i was finding my groove… i graduated.
so i hurled myself directly into grad school. (i tell people today that if i had it to do over again, i would have taken some time off in between to work a little bit – to get some “real world” experience to reflect on as i studied up in graduate school.) and then a year and a little bit later – i completed my masters in city and regional planning.
so there i was after 6-ish years of school with two degrees both related to city planning. and now here i am 27 years later still more or less still orbiting around the field of city planning without doing even a tiny bit of the actual planning itself. i mean, i still talk to planners on the regular – those who actually do the planning – but my days are filled with other things. and people regard me differently. it’s weird.
i’m the deputy director of the department. i’ve have taken to describing the work i do as being sort of like a ninja – cartwheeling my way into different work groups to better understand the challenges they’re dealing with, and then working to whip things back into shape before zip-lining my way on to the next group. and lately i’ve spent a lot of time talking about culture – creating a work environment where there’s space for creativity and innovation. accountability and excellence. barely any zoning. but lots of working to understand individual and organizational psychology.
somewhere out there there’s a cover letter from me that includes a description of my ability to “fix” broken teams. i keep saying that this niche that i’ve found myself in seems so far removed from where i started, but what i’m holding onto is the fact that i’m doing this work of supporting the creation of a highly functioning organization within the public sector, and specifically in the field of community development. i told someone once that i wanted to be part of the reason why people can believe in local government. i work to create the environment where good things can happen in the name of city building.
that’s something, right?
at dinner this evening when i was describing to my family about the day i had had – it included some tough conversations around performance matters – my mother observed that she wouldn’t want the job i had, and had i given any thought to changing careers? (i’ll refer you back to the note above: i’ve been in this general field for TWENTY SEVEN years now. and i know it’s never too late to change. never too late for a happy childhood, a friend of mine likes to say. but still.)
i have enjoyed learning more about how organizations work. about what goes into shaping a good work environment. it has meant that i’ve needed to learn more about how people are wired. i’ve had some good successes that i’m proud of, but i’m slightly uncomfortable about the degree to which i’ve had to just learn this stuff as i go, how much i’ve had to just intuit my way along.
in 2020 i was accepted into an exciting program at the kennedy school of business – executive leadership in state and local government. it’s a three week intensive on-campus experience and i was so looking forward to spending the time to study the things that i’ve had to just figure out on the fly. the idea of starting out with a game plan, some tools in my belt to work with, rather than just taking a leap of faith when confronted with a new organizational challenge was ex-hil-er-a-ting.
alas. COVID.
so the program was deferred to this year… and i just heard that it won’t be held in person this year either. argh. to say i’m disappointed doesn’t quite cover it.
meanwhile the challenges continue. and i’m back in the fray. i’m happy and grateful to have a job. and to have a job where i am still able to see the connection to the initial spark that caught my interest oh those many years ago. but i’m also a little surprised to find myself here. leadership isn’t so much about the doing anymore. it’s really much more about facilitating the doing. and that requires a whole different set of skills. the good news is that i find it all so interesting…
eleven bee 